In Which I Am In Love With An Inanimate Object, Sort Of

Many of you (two of you) have asked me to blog about the car I just bought. So here goes: On Tuesday, Alexis and I flew home to Albany to pick up a new car. It’s a 2004 Mazda 3 with 30,000 miles. So far, myself and everyone who has driven in it loves it, and each expresses it in a different way: Jacke squealed ‘I can't believe you OWN this!’ the whole way to and back from Walmart. Alexis stuck her hands out of the sunroof and sang along to the radio. Mom reacted pretty much the same way she used to react when my sisters and I got our big Christmas presents(think of your own mother and imagine accordingly). Eamon told me that his car was faster.

Do I have any pictures of it yet? No, but here’s a stock photo I found on the internet:



It looks exactly like what you see above. Shiny and blue and fast fast FAST. I like how this car looks and drives, but more than that I like how the interior looks. And SMELLS. It SMELLS expensive, unlike my last car, which in the beginning smelled like my grandmother and now smells like twelve different types of ass. For this I am worried about my new car, mostly because if my new car starts to smell like my old one it means that I am by nature a smelly person and I have been walking around smelling like ass for years without anybody telling me.

Just in case this is true, I’ve decided to offset the problem by writing out a schedule of maintenance and cleaning that will happen at regular intervals. From now on, I’ll take a little time out every other Sunday to clean the inside and outside, or take the car to the dealer if it needs to have work done. I decided that today was a good day to start, so I took my car to the carwash and spent ten dollars on a touchless automatic carwash system called ‘The Typhoon.’ I chose the most expensive option which had cleaning procedures named after natural disasters, such as ‘hurricane rinse’ or ‘tornado blow dry.’

The ten dollar wash did not get the bug shit off of the front of my car, but it did make me curious as to exactly just how intense you can make a car wash sound if you name it after things that cause pain and devastation. Some ideas:

Mountainous Avalanche Of Soap
Swarm Of Killer Bee Poly Coat Wax

The above being mostly everything you need to know about my car, and probably the most I’ll write on it until it starts breaking down. I am still trying to get to know how it works, so I still drive it to unnecessary places just so that I can drive it around. I used to walk around the park, and now I drive around the park. Of course, if I drive around the park it has to be two times around the loop, and each second time around I have to try to get myself lost in the park. Not for any real reason, I guess, except to try to put myself in that moment:



I can't really find the right photo here, but you know which moment I mean--you see them in car commercials and brochures, so you know they must exist in real life.

Saucy Nerd!

This isn't a real entry, but I found it funny(risque?!):

TOP TEN UNINTENTIONALLY WORST COMPANY URL'S:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

Back and forth and around

For the past three days or so, my main focus has been to set my sights on Tuesday, May 8th. Why, ask ye? Because it's the day I set aside to fly home to New York and pick up a new car. I feel as if I should be really excited about the whole thing, but getting plane tickets, a loan, and a car together this week was nothing but stressful, mainly because until yesterday:

1)I could not get a loan.
2)I could not get two plane tickets for less than 400 dollars.
3)I could not find a car.

Lauren knows this from staying with me: when I am apprehensive or nervous about something and I am in a position to do so, I pace. I think I developed this nervous tick in my current apartment, because I don't ever remember doing it before. Then again, all of my other apartments have been pretty small.

But, I can pace for what seems like hours. Always in the same order--If my apartment were a Family Circus cartoon, it would have looked like this:



So that is how it was: pace, pace, pace, eat something, pace, go to the bathroom, pace, pace. All until Thursday, when I heard back from the latest bank saying that despite my credit, they would give me money, and the car dealership saying there were cars for me. And also Thursday, when I found a cheap flight on Orbitz that had just opened up. The gods smiled down upon me. "Sit down,' they said. "You are making us nervous."

Now I have a brand new blog to fill up with stuff.