In Which I Am In Love With An Inanimate Object, Sort Of

Many of you (two of you) have asked me to blog about the car I just bought. So here goes: On Tuesday, Alexis and I flew home to Albany to pick up a new car. It’s a 2004 Mazda 3 with 30,000 miles. So far, myself and everyone who has driven in it loves it, and each expresses it in a different way: Jacke squealed ‘I can't believe you OWN this!’ the whole way to and back from Walmart. Alexis stuck her hands out of the sunroof and sang along to the radio. Mom reacted pretty much the same way she used to react when my sisters and I got our big Christmas presents(think of your own mother and imagine accordingly). Eamon told me that his car was faster.

Do I have any pictures of it yet? No, but here’s a stock photo I found on the internet:



It looks exactly like what you see above. Shiny and blue and fast fast FAST. I like how this car looks and drives, but more than that I like how the interior looks. And SMELLS. It SMELLS expensive, unlike my last car, which in the beginning smelled like my grandmother and now smells like twelve different types of ass. For this I am worried about my new car, mostly because if my new car starts to smell like my old one it means that I am by nature a smelly person and I have been walking around smelling like ass for years without anybody telling me.

Just in case this is true, I’ve decided to offset the problem by writing out a schedule of maintenance and cleaning that will happen at regular intervals. From now on, I’ll take a little time out every other Sunday to clean the inside and outside, or take the car to the dealer if it needs to have work done. I decided that today was a good day to start, so I took my car to the carwash and spent ten dollars on a touchless automatic carwash system called ‘The Typhoon.’ I chose the most expensive option which had cleaning procedures named after natural disasters, such as ‘hurricane rinse’ or ‘tornado blow dry.’

The ten dollar wash did not get the bug shit off of the front of my car, but it did make me curious as to exactly just how intense you can make a car wash sound if you name it after things that cause pain and devastation. Some ideas:

Mountainous Avalanche Of Soap
Swarm Of Killer Bee Poly Coat Wax

The above being mostly everything you need to know about my car, and probably the most I’ll write on it until it starts breaking down. I am still trying to get to know how it works, so I still drive it to unnecessary places just so that I can drive it around. I used to walk around the park, and now I drive around the park. Of course, if I drive around the park it has to be two times around the loop, and each second time around I have to try to get myself lost in the park. Not for any real reason, I guess, except to try to put myself in that moment:



I can't really find the right photo here, but you know which moment I mean--you see them in car commercials and brochures, so you know they must exist in real life.